Quotes

*on the way to college orientation*

Father: “You know, son, you're intelligent, but you aren't smart.”

Father: *Loud Sigh* “Son! When are you going back to work!? It's like you haven't been going lately!”

Son: “Tomorrow . . . I only had yesterday and today off.”

*home alone in room watching cartoons*

Father: “Son! Get out there and help your stepmom! She's pouring the mulch into the flower garden herself! I shouldn't have to tell you these things!”

Son: “I didn't even know you guys were back.”

Father: Grr! “Don't talk back to me!”

Stepmom: “Hey. Child was acting up at the babysitter's. He spit on a little girl.”

Son: “Wow. Did dad tell you what Child did this morning?”

Stepmom: “No, he didn't. What did Child do?”

Son: “I caught him peeing on the carpet.”

Stepmom: “Oh. I'll ask your father about it. It's about time for me to call him, anyway.”

*dials phone*

Stepmom: *blah blah* “...hey, Child has been acting up lately. I heard about this morning. How did you punish him?” . . . “No, I'm just wondering so I can punish him the same way if he does it again.” . . . “I'm not checking up on you.” . . . “Yes, I told Son about the limb breaking. He said he'll get it tomorrow, since it'll be his day off.” . . . “Yeah. Well, he's tired and it's dark out and it's a big limb. It's like half the tree.” . . . “Don't worry. He said he'll get it tomorrow.”

*sleeping*

Father: “Son! Wake up!”

Son: “Huh? What time is it?”

Father: “It's 10:30! You don't get to sleep in till 10:30!”

Son: “Oh. Sorry.”

Father: “Why is that broken limb still in the yard!?”

Son: “I was gonna get it today. It's my day off.”

Father: “No! It is not your day off! You work for me!”

Son: “Yes, sir. I'll go get it now.”

*Father walks out, leaves door open comes back minutes later*

Father: “Are your arms broke!?”

Son: “Sir?”

Father: “Why's the door still open!?”

Son: “...I thought you needed it open.”

Father: “What's that under the dishwasher?”

Son: “Oh! It looks like just water.”

Father: “Well, why didn't you clean it up!?”

Son: “I didn't notice it until you pointed it out.”

Father: “Are you blind!?”

Son: “Maybe I need glasses.”

Father: “You watch it!”

Father: “Son! Why is this milk out with the lid off!?”

Son: “Stepmom must have done that.”

Father: *cheerily* “That girl.”